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Old 08-28-2000, 12:59 AM
BillyBob BillyBob is offline
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Location: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Age: 77
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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ______

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?______________________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ ____

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________

__________________________________________________ _____________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ _____________________

__________________________________________________ _____________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________

__________________________________________________ _____________________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That
means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________

c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________

( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,
AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your
application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...




[This message has been edited by BillyBob (edited August 27, 2000).]
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  #2  
Old 08-28-2000, 02:04 AM
gouge97's Avatar
gouge97 gouge97 is offline
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Location: Sterling Heights, MI
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Hey BB, does the fact that I own a Dodge Ram like you give me any points?
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  #3  
Old 08-28-2000, 04:54 AM
RAM MAN's Avatar
RAM MAN RAM MAN is offline
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Location: Haslett, MI
Age: 65
Posts: 7,987
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G97: as long as you don't honk !!! (Just rev your engine)

------------------
"Good Luck on your project."
Mid Michigan MOPAR Enthusiasts
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  #4  
Old 08-28-2000, 05:06 AM
Stoga's Avatar
Stoga Stoga is offline
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Join Date: Jan 1999
Location: WV
Age: 65
Posts: 8,586
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Amen Billy Bob! I've got a few years before my oldest daughter hits dating age, so I've got a little time, so I copied these rules down for future reference. I think a few of them are a little mild, but at least I have more then 5 acres in my back yard,lol!
and Rule Six had best be followed!
Thanks for the reference material!
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  #5  
Old 08-28-2000, 05:18 AM
BillyBob BillyBob is offline
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I also intend on putting Potato chips in her bra(before any date).........they had best all come back unbroken!!
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