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Old 05-17-2002, 10:39 PM
SUN RA KAT's Avatar
SUN RA KAT SUN RA KAT is offline
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Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: A Planet beyond Uranus
Age: 75
Posts: 4,692
Post Subject: Everyone Who Loves the Rural Midwest

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Missouri,
Indiana, Kansas and Ohio, these states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new
policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's
mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the
State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you
do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it.
Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
whipped . . . by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for . . . bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you
paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets
of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have
quarter million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're
a feminist. Isn't that cute?

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?
Interstate 70 goes two ways-Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and
use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot . . . his name is "Sir" . . . no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home . . . ASAP!
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